TEXT: Ecclesiastes 7:16-22

SUBJECT: Family Life #28: Perfect Parents

This is the fourth Sunday afternoon of the month and time for another sermon on Family Life. Today’s topic is Perfect Parents.

Most Christians want to be good parents. They pray for their kids and teach them God’s way; they try to set a good example and feel guilty when they don’t. They make many mistakes, of course—and commit a lot of sins, too—but most of the time their kids grow up pretty well.

But for some believers good is not good enough. They want to be perfect parents. They may not use the word, but that’s pretty much what they mean. Their parenting isn’t sinless, of course, but it’s way, way, way above average. Or so they think.

The funny thing is, though, their kids hardly ever grow up to love God, and, when they get older, many of them ferociously rebel against Him! One of my best friends did this. His mother wouldn’t let him do anything! He couldn’t listen to music; he couldn’t watch TV; he couldn’t attend movies; he couldn’t go bowling; he couldn’t have any friends in the neighborhood; and he couldn’t ride his bike off the block! He was fifteen years old at the time! I was at his house one day and said, "Loren, let’s go miniature golfing". He asked his mom, and she said no, of course. Why not? he wanted to know. "It’s a bad testimony". I’ll never forget the look on his face—confusion, embarrassment, rage, and a sense of…one of these day, I’m outta here!"

About a year later, he was outta there--and into drugs, heavy drinking, womanizing, you name it and he did it.

Oh, I didn’t finish the story. My friend had a younger sister who was brought up in the same way. At sixteen, the girl who had never been on a date became pregnant. And killed herself!

You can’t prove a doctrine by one example. But the examples pile up in my mind. Hell is littered with the kids of perfect parents.

Maybe I should have used the singular here, because very rarely are both parents "perfect". Most of the time, one is and the other goes along because he doesn’t have the guts to say "Enough is Enough!"

Perfect parents are described in v.16,

In reading the commentators here, I found most of them got it wrong. They didn’t understand that Solomon was being ironic. It’s impossible to be too holy or wiser than you need to be. What he’s forbidding is trying to be holier or wiser than God! In other words, being a Pharisee.

Perfect parents are not all alike on every point, of course, but they all have some things in common. I thought of ten:

1. They read many books or go to a lot of seminars on being perfect parents. In other words, they’re not satisfied with reading their Bibles, listening to their pastor, or watching good parents in action. No, they want all the answers right now—from the experts.
2. They believe that a formula will make their children turn out good. The Bible, on the other hand, says only grace will do that.
3. They’re strongly rule-oriented. The rules are typically inferences from the Bible mixed in with other things. Douglas Wilson calls them, "Quiet-time-every-day-or-I’ll-go-to-hell-Christians".
4. They find their identity in secondary things. For example, not Christ, but homeschooling; not holiness but courtship; not faith but No TV. There’s nothing wrong with homeschooling, courtship, or having no TV, but to identify yourself by these things or to put your hope in them is idolatry!
5. They worry far more about their kids’ actions than they do their hearts. Whereas the Bible says, "My son, give me your heart".
6. Their homes are tense and unhappy places to be. Nobody can relax.
7. Family worship is a boring and grim thing nobody likes but everyone has to do.
8. They’re embarrassed to admit their faults or ask for help. After all, to say, I’m having problems is to confess you’re not a perfect parent.
9. They’re quick to correct other kids and look down on other parents.
10. Their kids are easy to identify because of the hunted look on their faces.

That is a pretty good description of perfect parents. And God save the kids from them!

This is an easy one to answer. V.20 says,

The worst thing about being a perfect parent is you’re not one—and never will be. The harder you try to be perfect, the worse you’ll become. And the more your kids will hate you—and maybe God—for it.

As long as men are satisfied being men, they can become good men. But when they seek to be angels, they become beasts. The great angel’s sin was not trying to be good—he already was good—but trying to be better than he could be. In seeking to be God, he became Satan.

The second thing wrong with being a perfect parent is you’ll ruin yourself and your kids in the effort, v.16,

Off the top of my head, I could tell you a dozen horror stories of parents, seeking perfection and only finding wreckage. Teenage pregnancy, womanizing, homosexuality, drug addiction, apostasy, and suicide.

Do you want to inoculate your kids against Christianity? Nobody does it better than perfect parents. If Publicans and harlots get into heaven before the Pharisees, then their kids do too!

Be content with mediocrity! The average Christian parent is far better than the super Christian parent!

1. Don’t buy snake-oil.

A hundred years ago, some men made a good living selling snake oil or patent medicines that promised to cure everything from dandruff to cancer. Even highly intelligent men—like Mark Twain—bought some of it. But the snake oil didn’t work. And its re-packaged, baptized version won’t either.

There is no formula that will save your kids or make them grow up to be happy and productive adults. Bill Gothard doesn’t have it; the Promise Keepers don’t; neither does Mary Pride or anyone else! There is no cure-all! Buying into a System will break your heart and hurt your kids. Don’t do it!

2. Remember your own sin. Doug Wilson says,

"Everyone sins. This is why Solomon warns us

to not be hyper over the sins of others. Suppose

a man hears someone curse him? Not to worry—

cut him a little slack. Maybe the one who

overhears has done that same kind of thing

himself a time or two. There is a zeal for

righteousness that does not know its own spirit,

(cf. Luke 9:55)".

It’s hard to demand perfection of our kids when we realize how sinful we are ourselves.

3. Remember your kids are kids.

Your kids are not short adults. Your towering teenagers are still teenagers. To demand maturity from the young is to demand apples from a vine or milk from a bull or speed from a turtle. You’re not going to get it. And the harder you try, the worse you make things.

4. Be Gospel-oriented.

What is "The power of God for salvation?" If you look into the home of perfect parents, you’d say, "It must be rules and spankings". Now, there’s a place for both in the Christian home, of course. But we mustn’t become Law-centered. It is the Gospel that must be central. And that includes patience, longsuffering, humility, forgiveness, and lots of laughing, hugging, and kissing.

Let me tell you a story about my home growing up. When I was about fourteen or thereabouts, a couple moved in next door. They lived there for three or four years maybe, but when they moved here’s they said,

I was a very respectful and obedient boy. But it wasn’t the Law or Legalistic parents that made me that way. It was the Gospel and parents who lived it. I recommend my dad as an example you can follow and a man you can learn from! He didn’t talk about it; he did it! Be Gospel oriented!

The Gospel did!

Are you a perfect parent? If you think you are, you’re not. The perfect mom is not sanctified, but sanctimonious; and nobody is more sinful than the sinless dad. Why don’t you admit that "Life under the sun" is full of follies—and make the best of it? Ecclesiastes 9:7 is a word to every constipated parent,

Do you know you’re an imperfect parent? If you do, all I can say is Welcome to the club! The rest of us are too. The best parents I know will tell you they’ve made millions of mistakes! They’ve been mean and surly; they been preoccupied and withdrawn; they’ve forgotten family worship. And God still accepted them, saved their kids, and turned them into happy and holy adults.

Why don’t you learn from them? Do your best, but leave the results with God. That will make you the closest thing you can be to…a perfect parent.

The love of God be with you all. For Christ’s sake. Amen.