TEXT: I John 4:16

SUBJECT: Baxter on Love #6: (Love Your Spouse)

Tonight brings us to the last sermon in our study of Richard Baxter on Christian Love. He was an English pastor who lived from 1615 to 1691. When it comes to everyday living for Christ, nobody is better than Richard Baxter.

Thus far, we've studied him on Loving your enemies, loving your neighbors, loving the brotherhood, phony love, and friendship. Now, we see what he's got to say on Loving your husband or wife.

We begin with the duty. Loving your husband or wife is no option. If you don't, you're sinning. No matter what kind of person he or she is.

Baxter says,

This is true--not because he says so--but because God says so in His Word. To husbands, the Lord says, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church" (Ephesians 5:25). He wants wives "To love their husbands" (Titus 2:4).

The love He wants is what Baxter has said before: (1) You must admire all the good in your spouse (and there is some!); and (2) You must be kind and generous to your spouse.

This love is not to be the exception at home--but the rule. Baxter says

This is a good illustration. Think of the husband and wife as the ball and socket of a hip. When together, there is no pain and much can be done. When dislocated, there is terrible pain and nothing gets done. As much as lies in you, don't accept being "on the outs" with your husband and wife. Some people cannot be made up with--I know that! But as much as the problem is you, do something about it. Ephesians 4:26.

We all know God wants us to love our spouses. Yet, the fact is, we often do not. Why don't you love our husband or wife with a "fervent charity"?

We all know why: There's something in your husband or wife that makes loving him or her impossible. That's what everybody says. Well, not quite everybody. Baxter says the problem isn't in your husband or wife. It's in you.

The number one marital problem is not money or sex or kids or housework. It is selfishness. And if you're thinking, "You're right on that one--my spouse is very selfish"--well, you've just proved my point!

The rule for God's Church applies equally to your family,

I've done a fair amount of counseling over the years. I've heard quite a few things. But I've never heard this one: "You know, Pastor, my husband just won't quit putting me first!"

The problem is not in our spouses, but in ourselves.

How do we make our marriages more loving than they are? Baxter gives several pieces of advice. The first four are to the unmarried. This is pre-marital counseling, Puritan style.

It is not easy to love another person. Especially if there are things about him you find offensive. I know a woman who divorced her husband partly because of his atrocious table manners. With other people, he embarrassed her. Alone, he grossed her out! She should have been more patient--I know--but why didn't she go out to dinner with him before they got married?

My mother always told me, "Marry in haste, repent in leisure". Don't rush into marriage. Get to know the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

The other thing he says is to pay more attention to inner qualities than to good looks. People at sixty are rarely better looking than they were at twenty-five. But how much grace can do to their souls in that time! In looking for a spouse, keep II Corinthians 4:16 in mind:

If that won't do, try Proverbs 11:22.

"As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman who lacks discretion".

Young brother, one of these days that golden jewel will rust. And all you'll have left is the pig's snout!

This means don't marry anyone unless you're madly in love with him or her. "Ordinary affection" such as liking someone or feeling attracted to the person sexually won't do!

Coming from a Puritan, this is somewhat surprising. Weren't they old sourpusses who magnified duty and minimized pleasure? No they weren't! Their comments on The Song of Solomon are very romantic. What's more, they agree with God's Word. It never says, "Grit your teeth and bear with your wife", but this:

Don't choose a wife the way you'd choose a shirt: "It'll do".

He's said this before: Don't rush into marriage. Remember your intended has faults too. And you'll have to live with them.

This means: Don't marry until you resolve to live with that person for the rest of your life. Many people go into marriage thinking, "If it doesn't work out, I can always get a divorce". That sort of thinking makes a permanent and happy marriage all but impossible.

These are things you should have done before marriage. But what if you didn't? What if you married someone hastily or with wrong motives. Can you do anything about it now? Or is it too late?

Here's the great thing about God: With Him it is never too late! If the Thief seeks mercy on the cross, he gets it. If you want to become a loving husband or wife, you can be. No matter what you've done in the past. Repentance does not wipe out all consequences. But neither does history dictate the future.

Here's what Baxter says to the married.

This is a good place to start. Maybe your heart is not overflowing with love for your spouse. Maybe right now the thought of her makes you mad or disgusted, even. If you can't love her because she's lovable, love her because God says so!

You won't be sorry. In the short run, His commands are often bitterly hard. But over the long haul, they are

2."Remember that you are one flesh with her".

This means: the hurt you inflict on your spouse, hurts you too. If you won the argument at the cost of hurting your spouse, you lose too. About divorce and the fights that lead up to it, Frank Sinatra sang, It's over. Nobody wins".

No one is perfect, of course. But neither is anyone entirely bad. Especially believers. If your husband is not a good conversationalist, be thankful he's a hard worker. If he doesn't make much money, be happy he's good to the kids.

This is a good point. Weaknesses are weaknesses. They're not crimes against humanity! Talking on the phone too much is not genocide! Being picky about dinner is not treason!

God could pass a severe judgment on the least sin. But does He? No He doesn't.

To keep you from exaggerating your spouse's weaknesses and sins, just remember your own! If you think of your own defects, you won't be so quick to find someone else's. Or so harsh in correcting them. Galatians 6:1.

If you want your husband to be less angry, quit provoking him--Proverbs 15:1. If you want your wife to worry less--quit giving her so much to worry about. If you want your husband to lead the family, then follow him when he does! If you want your wife to obey you, then rule her as you'd have someone rule you.

Baxter is sharp on this one. He says,

The holiest person may be hated. In fact, He was. "They hated Me without a cause". In some marriages, goodness will be repaid with evil. But let's face it: For the most part, it is not my goodness that gets me in trouble with my wife, but my sin.

You owe it to your wife or husband to be as lovable as you can be. Instead of correcting your spouse all the time, why don't you correct yourself? That would do both of you a whole lot of good.

Love your wife. Love your husband. These are not man-made rules, but the Law of God. They don't apply to some couples, but to every couple. You can't do it on your own, but remember, you're not in your own. God is "Working in you both to will and to do His good pleasure". So why don't you quit resisting Him? You've got nothing to lose but your stubborn pride--which is good to lose!

Where do you start? With honesty.

Where to you go from there? To confession and repentance.

What do you get for that? A good conscience; the smile of God. And who knows? Maybe the loving spouse you've always wanted.

God bless your marriage with love. And mine too. For Christ's sake. Amen.