TEXT: Ephesians 5:22-6:3

SUBJECT: Ephesians #11: Unity of the Church at Home

Today, with God’s blessing, we move on in our study of Ephesians, the theme of which is: The Unity of the Church. This togetherness—Paul says—is to show itself on Sundays, when the People of God meet for worship.

But not only on Sundays. Because we are members of one another, what I do affects you and what you do affects me—even if it’s done in private. If I look at a young woman in the wrong way, I hurt you. If you lead an old lady cross the street, you help me. Being a part of the Body of Christ means we cannot live for ourselves only. We live for the Lord and each other.

A couple of weeks ago, I applied this principle to our personal lives, the things we do more or less alone, and some of them only between the ears. Today, we move into an area of life that is even more sensitive, and that is, the family. What you do with your wife or husband, parents or children either promotes the unity of the church or retards it.

Some years ago, I knew a man who was a deacon in a church (not this one). He never missed a meeting—Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night, he was always there, and often the first one there. He was also a big giver to the church, tithing every week and always good for an extra offering when it was needed. He encouraged the pastor, he helped make hard decisions, he led singing, taught Sunday School, and filled in when the pastor was out of town.

Sounds like one of the best church members in the world. In fact, he was one of the worst. Because the man who loved his church, loved his pastor, and loved his deacons did not love his wife or his children. He ignored them for twenty years and then walked away from them. Instead of unifying the church, he divided it by breaking his wife’s heart and poisoning his children against the Gospel.

If the Unity of the Church does not operate in your home, there is no Unity of the Church. And so, what I said last time, I say again: Your private life is not private.

This is good theory, but what does it look like in the real world? We don’t have to wonder: Paul lays it out in words, easy to understand (though not so easy to obey).

One last thing: The teaching is for believers-in-Christ. While unbelieving wives, I suppose, will be better off respecting their husbands than despising them, this is not what Paul is offering: a smoother ride on the way to hell. The unbelieving husband’s first duty is not to love his wife, but to repent of his sins and to trust Jesus Christ! This is not therapy! It’s not marriage counseling! It’s Discipleship!

Paul starts with the wife, and I think there’s something to his order. If my experience is typical, Christian women often believe in being godly wives, so long as their men are godly husbands first. Of course, I’ll respect him if he earns my respect; of course I’ll submit to him if his decisions are wise (in other words, as long as they’re the same as mine).

How does this kind of thinking square with Discipleship? Respecting the ones who earn your respect and submitting to the ones you agree with sounds more like the Publican way of life, that is, loving those who love you and greeting those who greet you. Surely, there’s more to discipleship than this; if there isn’t, nearly everyone is a disciple.

The wife’s main duty at home, v.22, is to—

To submit means to affirm your husband’s leadership in the home. You affirm it because God has given it to him. Paul says so in the next verse—

His leadership is not rooted in human traditions, but in Creation itself. God made Adam first, and then Eve to help her husband—and not to rule him. Their Fall into sin made his leadership and her submission stickier than it was in their Innocence, but it did not abolish or reverse it.

Knowing full well that Christian (and other) men have often abused their leadership, the God-given fact remains: there is an order in marriage, and like it or not, the husband has to be the man of the family.

Christian wives are to accept God’s order, and more than accept it, they’re to rejoice in it, for the Lord has not made things this way to enslave them, but to find their freedom in being what they are.

Does submitting to your husband degrade you—make you less than human, turn you into a slave or a beast of burden? Many say it does, but I don’t believe it. If it did, how come Eve bears the Image of God as much as Adam does? That’s what the Bible says—

Donkeys are creatures of God and display some of His glory, but they’re not made in His Likeness—and, so wives are not donkeys. And they’re not slaves either, for the number one problem with slavery is not that it violates a person’s civil rights, but that it violates his humanity—it makes him into what he isn’t. When my dear wife serves me, she serves me as a partner—not as a servant.

Does affirming your husband’s leadership mean you cannot disagree with him? Does it mean you cannot say you disagree with him? Does it mean you cannot argue with him, even argue with passion? No. These things are perfectly agreeable with submitting to your husband, and I know this because Job and others in the Bible disagree with God, say so, and argue with Him, without ever thinking He has no right to rule them.

But, if affirming your husband’s leadership allows you to disagree and argue with him, it does not permit you to disobey him (unless what he wants you to do is plainly contrary to God’s Word) and never to hold him in contempt or to undermine him with the kids or to badmouth him to your friends.

You’re to submit to your husband, v.22 says—

Some have taken this to mean wives are to submit to their husband no matter what they say. This cannot be true, because, one verse earlier Paul says all submission is offered—

If your husband’s wishes cannot be complied with in good conscience, they must not be complied with. But, even when you have to say, No, you cannot have contempt for your man. This is what Paul says at the end of the chapter—

This is hard for women to do, and brothers, we ought to remember how hard it is the next time we’re tempted to make unreasonable demands on them. But, if it is not easy, it is possible, and there’s an illustration in the Old Testament to this effect.

I hope I have made myself clear: What Darius did was both wrong and stupid, but Daniel, knowing the character of what he did, still spoke to him as a subject ought to speak to his king. He didn’t lash out at him or tell him he had no right to rule. For, in fact, he did have that right, even though he didn’t always exercise it as wisely as he ought to.

Before we move on to the husband, I have to ask you dear ladies a hard question: Are you submitting to your husband? Before you tell me how unworthy he is of it, are you doing your part? If you’re not, you’re sinning. And, if you’re sinning in this way, you’re no worthier than he is. Knowing this doesn’t make submitting to him easy, but it makes it easier because instead of being his victim or his judge, you’re now a fellow sinner, in need of the same grace that he is.

Submitting to your husband does not guarantee a happy home. But not submitting to him ensures a home that is unhappy.

And more than your happiness is at stake. So is the unity of the Church, and—as we’ll see later—so is the glory of God and His cause in the world.

After telling Christian wives what they ought to be, Paul turns to the men, telling them what kind of husbands we ought to be. It is interesting to note, brothers, that Paul spends a good deal more time on us than he does on our wives. As if the family needs a lot more than ladies who do what they’re told.

The husband’s prime directive is to love his wife, v.25—

Oh I how wish this verse had said, ‘Husbands, love your wives’. If it did, I would be free to love her any way I want to! But it doesn’t say that; it says to love her in the same way Christ loves the Church.

His love for the Church includes romance (my favorite part of love), provision, and protection, but mostly what it is, is my least favorite part of love: self-sacrifice!

Brother, what are you willing to give up for your wife?

One man says, ‘I’m willing to work for her, to make a living, and pay the bills’. That’s good, a man ought to work for his wife, and if he won’t, Paul says in another place, he’s worse than an infidel. But, if you were not married, would you not work? Most of us would, we’d have to, and I suspect we’d be doing pretty much the same things we’re doing now. That may be a sacrifice, but it’s not much of a sacrifice, is it?

Another man says, ‘I’m willing to spend time with her, and not go out the way I used to’. That’s good, too, and for young men it may be a real sacrifice. But as we get older, most of us want to stay home any way and do as little as possible. If you’re doing this for your wife—what you’d be doing if you were not married—where’s the sacrifice?

A third man says he’s willing to die for his wife, and he might be. But how often does he need to? Most men don’t have to take a bullet for their wives, and being willing to do what he won’t have to do is no sacrifice at all.

What did Christ give up for His Bride? He gave up Himself. This is what we’re to give up for our wives. This will not look the same in every marriage. If your wife is insecure, you may need to say, ‘I love you’ a hundred times a day. And praise her beauty and charm and thinness to the high heavens!

If my wife were this way, I’d be a far more loving husband than I am, because I’m good with romantic words. But she isn’t this way; what she needs from me is a lot harder for me to give. But give it I must, if I want to love her as Christ loved the Church.

This means: loving your wife means paying attention, listening to what she says and to what she doesn’t say. Last week, the man said, spoiling your wife, and there’s some truth in that.

But, mostly, what it means is promoting her salvation. We are not Saviors and not even the best husband can deliver his wife from her sin and misery and damnation. But—Paul says—

Brothers, can you think of any way you could bring your wife closer to Christ than she would be without you? I can: You can show her the beauty of Christ by being like Him in some ways: by being kind and patient and attentive and forgiving. You can also pray with her and for her.

By involving yourself in the church, you can bring her into the community of Jesus and let others bless her. By studying the Bible yourself and praying for wisdom, you’ll be able to counsel her away from the bad and toward the good. And then, of course, you can simply put up her—as Christ puts up with us all.

If you cannot love your wife the way Christ loves His Church, how about loving her as much as you love yourself? This is what the Lord tells us to do in vv.28-30. What does this mean?

It means I treat her as well as I treat myself. If I care about my own feelings, I care about hers. If I want to be happy and I’m willing to do something about it, I want her to be happy and I’m willing to do something about that too. If I want people to give me the benefit of the doubt, I give her the benefit of the doubt. If I don’t like being picked on, I don’t pick on her.

The reason I ought to love my wife as much as I love myself is because…she is myself! Adam and Eve were not business partners; they were one flesh. And so are you and your wife.

Would you mutilate yourself? I wouldn’t. But that’s just what I do when I mistreat my wife. The pound of flesh I want from her is taken out of me!

Before we move on, I have to ask my brothers: Do you love your wife—I know you say you love her, but everyone says that, and most of them don’t mean it. Do you love your wife as much as you love yourself? Do you love her enough to give up your time and your wishes for her?

This is what love is: not warm feelings (though we ought to have them) and not mere desire (though that matters too). It is giving up yourself for your wife. It is living for her more than for yourself, and second only to living for Christ.

Marriage is a very practical thing. But not only practical. It is also deeply mysterious, for ordinary men and women are being used by God to show the world something magnificent beyond words. Christian marriage, as faulty as it is, is also a picture of the union between Christ and His Church.

This is why men ought to love to love their wives and wives to love their men. Because, to do otherwise, is to misrepresent Christ and His Church, it says to the world, He’s a mean and self-centered Savior and the Church is only using Him.

That’s a pack of lies! Christ loves His Bride and the Church, for all her sins, submits to Her Husband from the heart.

What a privilege it is to be married! Every loving thing I do for my wife is preaching the Gospel to the world, and every submission she makes for me is doing the same.

And what a responsibility! For when I mistreat her and she defies me, we’re preaching another Gospel which is no Gospel at all.

If you believe in Church Unity, you must practice it with your brothers or sisters in Christ. Even the ones you’re married to.

From husbands and wives, Paul turns to parents and children. The first thing you notice her is how much shorter this part is than the other. Only four verses compared to twelve. I think there’s a reason for this: If the husband and wife are living together in a godly way, the children (most of the time) will follow.

Anyone who has had serious marital problems knows why. They spill over to the kids, no matter how quietly you fight. This means the best thing a man can do for his children is to love his wife, and the best thing a woman can do for them is to submit to her husband.

Since ‘actions speak louder than words’, a godly marriage shows the children their parents are under the authority of Christ and glad to be there. How can parents who won’t obey the Lord expect their children to obey them?

When couples tell me they’re breaking up for the children’s sake, I propose making up. For children of any age need their parents together and serving the Lord.

Paul tells believing children to obey and honor their parents. Obeying them refers to what you do, honoring them to how you do it.

Two reasons are given: first, obeying your parents is right. This doesn’t mean your parents are always right, for they’re not. But obeying them—unless they tell you to sin—is right. Or fitting or appropriate. It is hard for kids to believe, but your parents usually want the best for you. They may not be as smart as you are, but they’re more experienced, and the things they’ve gone through in life has given them a perspective and a wisdom you don’t have—not because you’re dumb, but because you’re young.

The second reason to obey them is because that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth. When I was a boy, people told me this meant: good kids live longer than bad ones. Good kids, after all, are not as likely to overdose on drugs or play Russian Roulette or kill themselves driving drunk. These things are true, but have little or nothing to do with the verse.

This Living long on the earth is taken from the Ten Commandments. Back then, it meant, if the Israelites obeyed the Lord, they would remain in the land of Canaan; if they didn’t obey Him, they wouldn’t. Do children today have the same promise? They don’t, for most of them don’t live in Canaan, and there’s no promise to remain in Fremont if you’re a good little boy!

The land of Canaan stood for God’s favor. And this is what believing children keep when they obey and respect their parents. For, in defying them, the kids are defying the Lord who made them their parents. And defying the Lord is no way to secure His blessings or to be happy.

Finally, fathers are told to—

Preachers will often say, ‘fathers’ includes mothers, and I think they’re right. But, allowing for this, I know the verse says, ‘fathers’, and this means something busy men are prone to forget: Rearing children is not women’s work! Both your sons and daughters need a father—and not a father asleep in front of the TV or puttering around in the garage, but a father who is deeply engaged in their lives.

If parents are to be close to their children, they cannot be ‘too close’; they cannot be overbearing and micromanaging, especially as the kids get older. For this can only provoke them to wrath. Instead of doing that, we’re to care for them as our Father in Heaven cares for us. This means far more than I can say (or know). But here’s a word or two. Imitating our Father in Heaven means: (1) teaching them the way to live, (2) setting a good example for them, (3) correcting them when they’re wrong, but not too harshly, (4) letting them make mistakes and suffer the consequences, (5) forgiving them when they apologize, and (6) never, ever, rejecting them or tying your love to their worthiness of it.

When parents and their children live this way, both the family is united, and the Church of which they’re a part. When they don’t, not only does the family suffer, but so does the Body of Christ.

Let us, therefore, love the Church enough to care for its Unity even in the home. And to love Christ enough to care for His People, even if they happen to be our husbands and wives, children and parents.