TEXT: Psalm 116:12, Romans 8:28

SUBJECT: Family Life #40: Self-Pity

My talk this afternoon is on a sin that is easy to see in other people, but hard to see in yourself. If you want to live a holy and useful life, however, you have to see it, call it what it is, and turn away from it and to its opposite. This means you need grace and grace is often received in answer to prayer. As we go along in the sermon, therefore, offer quick prayers to God for insight and for the power to act on it.

The topic is self pity, a sin that masters the world and gravely affects the people of God. If it’s not your temptation—thank the Lord--and pray for those who are tempted by it. But, if it is your special weakness, listen carefully to the Word of God and become a doer thereof.

What is self-pity?

It is the attitude of being cheated. It comes from the belief that you’ve been singled out for mistreatment. Some have been, while many others only think they have. But whether the wrongs done to you are real or imagined, you dwell on them day and night and won’t let them go.

That’s self-pity. That’s feeling sorry for yourself.

Self-pity is expressed in more ways than one. In some, it comes out in ranting and raving about the hard knocks they’ve taken in life. In others, it is a constant whining about the little things that haven’t gone their way. In others it is a kind of boast, a pride in all the suffering they have borne. And, in a good many others, you hear no sound at all, because they’re off in the corner somewhere pouting.

The voices are many, but they’re all singing the same song—

We all know that self-pity is not a good thing, but how bad is it? Is it a weakness or a sin? And, if it’s a sin, is it a big one or a small one?

It is plainly a sin, for the Bible nowhere commands us to feel sorry for ourselves and often forbids it. The Word commands us to be patient and content and thankful and active in doing good. I’d like to know how anyone who pities himself can do any of these things—from the heart, I mean. He may go through the motions, but since when did God ever love a reluctant giver? Self-pity is a sin.

And it’s a big one, partly because of what it does to the person guilty of it and the ones who have the bad luck of being around him.

What does feeling sorry for yourself do to you? Three things, at least, all of which are terrible:

In the first place, self-pity turns you more and more in on yourself.

Jean-Paul Sartre was a man of deep and wide influence. He was a philosopher, novelist, playwright, critic, anti-war activist, and celebrity intellectual. Of all the wicked things he ever said—and he said many—the worst thing he ever said was:

If this is true, why do men lose their minds in solitary confinement? Why would they rather live with dangerous prisoners than by themselves? In fact, hell is not other people, but no other people. A life lived for oneself is no life at all!

That’s what self-pity does: it isolates you and cuts you off from the service of others where your happiness will be found—or not at all. Our Lord Jesus Christ once said,

Happiness can’t be found in staring at your navel or wringing your hands in the dark, but in fellowship with others. But that’s not possible if you’re feeling sorry for yourself all the time.

Oh, let me add a postscript to the Sartre story. His best known book is a partly fictional account of his own life. You know what its title is? Nausea. The man couldn’t live by his own philosophy: the selfish life made him sick to his stomach!

In the second place, self-pity becomes an excuse for further sin.

Self-pity is like a female rabbit: it’s always having babies! And none of the babies is good. Self-pity will make a man withdraw from his family and not do the duties of a good husband or father. It will make a woman mean to her husband and children.

It makes you lazy at work or hard-to-get-along-with. It grieves God’s Spirit in church. In general, it’s a real downer—it discourages everyone and makes him wish you would just go away!

If these things weren’t bad enough, let me add: self-pity is a leading cause of adultery and the family problems that follow in its wake. When a man feels sorry for himself at home, he blames it on his wife and looks for someone else. He thinks he deserves someone younger or prettier than his wife is; he wants someone to laugh at his jokes and admire his accomplishments—and not know the kind of man he really is!

I’m not making this up. I know men, professed Christians, one of whom used to be a pastor, who fell into adultery, mostly because they felt sorry for themselves.

In the third place, self-pity is always laced with self-righteousness—and that’s a very big sin.

Self-pity assumes I’m being picked on for no fault of my own. But have I no faults? And, isn’t it possible that the things I so resent are of my own making? Maybe my wife doesn’t respect me because I’m a big baby at home! Maybe I didn’t make the football team because I’m no good! Maybe I lost my job because I don’t come in on time and do a lousy job when I’m there.

People who feel sorry for themselves never think of these things: they’re always pointing the finger of blame at someone else. But the fact is, some of our problems are the result of our own sins. Peter says there is a glory in suffering for Christ’s sake, but being beaten for your own faults? There’s no glory in that.

Self-pity is a branch of self-righteousness, and the Lord said publicans and harlots are more welcome in the Kingdom of God than the self-righteous are.

In the fourth place, self-pity is diametrically opposed to the example and teaching of our Lord Jesus Christ.

No one was ever more hated than our Lord Jesus Christ. At the end, the whole world turned against Him: the leaders of Israel had long had it in for Him, but then the common people joined them in the call for His blood. The Gentiles—both great and small—went along and hung on a tree to die and public and humiliating death. And, unlike you and me, He was "hated without a cause". There was no reason at all—zero—to hate, persecute, and kill Him, yet He was hated, persecuted, and killed.

But never did He open His mouth to complain, to gripe, to bellyache, or to say something like: "I don’t deserve this!" If the Lord was a silent as a lamb is before the shearers and content to die in God’s will, how can we pity ourselves and demand better than He got?

The Lord did not pity Himself and He told us to take up our crosses with the attitude in which He took up His.

If a man ever had the right to wring his hands and be excused for a messed-up life, it was the Lord Jesus Christ! He was misunderstood by His parents; persecuted by His brothers; betrayed by His friends; and murdered by His people. The devil tore Him to pieces in the wilderness and His Father forsook Him on the cross.

But He did not wring His hands and did not feel sorry for Himself. Attitudes contrary to His example and teaching cannot be right or excused.

It’s easier to say "Don’t feel sorry for yourself" than to not feel sorry for yourself. How do we overcome the temptation that strikes everyone and beats some of us half to death? What do we do?

Two things we must do. They are suggested by the two verses that I read at the beginning of the sermon.

First, we give thanks. Self-pity is the result of feeling cheated, of feeling I’m not getting what’s coming to me. But the fact is, God owes me nothing at all, nothing but His wrath which is the only thing I’ve earned from Him.

But look what He’s given me! Everything I have is given and given by grace. Instead of feeling cheated, therefore, I ought to walk around feeling like I’ve won the lottery on someone else’s ticket!

Instead of grumbling, "My wife doesn’t respect me", I ought to be thanking God that I have a wife—which He calls a favor of the Lord!

It’s hard to give thanks and feel sorry for yourself at the same time. Do the first and you won’t be so guilty of the second. That’s Number One.

Second, we believe the promises of God. If self-pity is the result of feeling cheated, then we remember that every Christian is an heir of God’s promises! What does God promise those who love Him? Everything! And if we believed the promise, we’d be slow to feel sorry for ourselves.

Do you want a happy family life? Everyone does—as long as the happiness comes from somebody else changing. But real happiness comes from you changing—not your wife or kids or husband or parents.

So why don’t you give up the self-pity that has made you and everyone else so unhappy for so long? I can’t think of any good in it or any reason you ought to hold on to it for dear life.

Let it go—along with the bitterness and malice and pride that clings to it. And take up something better: take up giving thanks and believing the promises of God. That’ll make for a happy home and an eternity even happier.

God bless you, everyone. For Christ’s sake. Amen.