TEXT: Proverbs 18:19

SUBJECT: Family Life #37: Forgiveness in the Family

Nothing will hurt your family more than a lack of forgiveness. Scandalous sins—if repented of—will do far less damage than the "understandable sin" of holding a grudge.

Solomon likens a grudge to "a strong city" and "the bars of a castle". In other words, hurt feelings are mighty hard to break through. An offended person has barricaded himself behind walls of bitterness and self-pity. He no longer thinks of himself as the husband and father of the family—or the wife and mother—or the son, daughter, brother or sister. No, he’s now the victim of the family (or some member of it). Because he’s been hurt, he is no longer responsible for what he feels, what he says, or what he does.

When you see it in others, you call it bitterness or a bad attitude or a chip on his shoulder. In yourself, it doesn’t seem half-as-bad. But, of course, that’s what people see in you, too. And not just people, but the Lord sees it in you.

When it comes to holding a grudge, Jesus Christ has zero tolerance. He commands you—very plainly—to overlook sins, to forgive those who hurt you, and to love even the people who won’t say they were wrong. This is what the Lord commands.

But not only commands. It’s also what He did on earth and still does in heaven. Was any man ever more wronged than He? Most of the wrongs done to me are, at least partly, my own fault. Or more than partly. But what did the Lord do to bring out the worst in other people? Unlike you and me,

…without any cause at all. Pontius Pilate was no lover of Christ, yet even he said, "I find no fault in this Man". He was right. All the wrongs done to Christ were due entirely to the sins and foolishness of other people.

Yet He did not hold a grudge. Not against the disciples who so often annoyed Him. Not against the friend who denied Him three times. Not against the men who crucified Him.

The attitude He had on earth, He still has, in heaven, seated in glory at God’s Right Hand. Is the Lord Jesus Christ still being wronged? Of course He is, by you and me, when we forget Him, when we sin against Him, when we’re ashamed to bring Him up to others, when we mistreat the ones He died for!

How easy it would be for our Lord to hold a grudge against us—against me and against you. How can we treat Him the way we do? Not once or twice in a lifetime, but every day. The same sins, committed over and over and over. Anyone else would be sick and tired of us. But not our Savior!

This is the example of our Lord Jesus Christ. He told us to study it carefully and to follow it.

And in learning His ways—the way of forgiveness—you’ll "Find rest for your soul". You won’t have to spend all those hours turning over the past, replaying the wrongs someone has done you, holding on to the pain as though it were your best friend.

What freedom forgiveness brings! What Charles Wesley said of being set free from sin in general is doubly true of the sin of holding a grudge,

Don’t you want to be free? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to drop the hard feelings and to feel the load of resentment roll off your back and into the empty tomb of our Lord Jesus Christ?

It’s hard to imagine anything better than that. It’s a taste of heaven’s glory. For there, "All tears will be wiped away" and there will be no room for "Crying, sorrow or pain, for the former things have passed away".

Everyone says he’d like to be free from his bitterness, but I don’t believe it. If everyone did, there would be very little bitterness in the world (and even less in the family). But there is tons of it everywhere you look—and more of it in Christian families that we care to admit. The fact is, many people don’t want to give up their grudges.

Why not?

For one thing, it has long excused them from doing their duty. You see, I cannot be expected to love my wife or to treat her courteously because, well, ten years ago, she…

It’s a lot easier to hold a grudge against her than to think about her, to be patient with her, to be kind and generous, and other things the Lord wants me to be.

For another thing, if you give up your grudge, you may have to admit that you’re guilty too! Maybe you started the fight. Or maybe you didn’t start it, but you poured gasoline on the fire. Or, even if you were totally innocent in the first place, you have surely made it worse by holding a grudge all this time!

This is the one thing grudge holders will not admit to: They’re also guilty! But they are: the Bible says so. The Westminster Shorter Catechism defines "sin" as

Does the Law of God command forgiveness? And does it forbid grudges? It does both, Ephesians 4:32,

I’d be lying to you if I said forgiving others is as easy to do as it is to understand. The duty is crystal-clear. But doing it, that’s a bit murkier. Yet it is doable.

The Lord Jesus Christ did it, perfectly, of course. But others have done it too—though not perfectly. Think of Paul who did so much for the Corinthians only to be treated so shabbily by them (II Corinthians 12:15). Think also of Joseph and how his forgiving love saved the brothers who betrayed him. Think of Job who forgave the men who rubbed salt into his wounds.

Whenever I go through the roll-call of forgiving men, I always wonder if they, maybe had more than I do—special grace to perform special deeds. When I’ve just about convinced myself that they did, I’m brought back to reality by a name that is not famous for holiness, but who forgave one who done him wrong big time! Can you guess the name?

Esau. You can read his story in Genesis 27 and 33. In the one chapter he was cheated out of his blessing and birthright. In the other, he fell on his brother’s neck with tears and assured the conniving, cheating, lying scoundrel that,

Hebrews 12:16 says Esau was a fornicator and a profane man. Yet, from the heart, it seems, he forgave his brother. Shall that wicked man do more than we, who belong to Jesus Christ?

Let me give you some advice on forgiving others—especially people in your family. The counsel is not magic. It won’t make forgiving others as easy or pleasant as walking through the park on a sunny day. But it will make it easier.

First of all, remember that grudges are like some diseases: they’re easier to prevent than to cure. The best way to cure cirrhosis of the liver is to not drink heavily. If you do, it will be a lot harder.

How, then do you prevent a grudge?

For one thing, don’t be so sensitive. I Corinthians 13 says

…This means it is not eager to find fault; it’s not looking for an evil intent in every mistake. And it doesn’t exaggerate every sin into a crime against humanity! Somebody said a bad word to you—so what! Someone forgot to call you—big deal!

We all need to be thicker-skinned that we are. If you don’t want others to make you walk on egg shells all the time, don’t do it to them. Relax. Laugh about it. If you have to, breathe into a paper bag for a few minutes. Here’s a memory verse, Proverbs 19:11,

There’s a word for other people who are easily offended: petty. Of course, the word never applies to me. But the petty people say that too.

In the second place, think about your own sins. Here’s another verse or two to think about, Ecclesiastes 7:21-22,

It’s easy for me to be mortified at what others say about me…until I start recalling the things I’ve said about them. Am I the only one here who has yelled at my kids, been sarcastic to my wife, and talked behind my friends’ backs? I hope so. But if you’ve done the same thing, why don’t you cut others some slack? Don’t be too fussy about every little thing—or big things either. A few verses above the ones I just cited is more good advice, Ecclesiastes 7:16,

To quote one of my favorite movies,

In the third place, count the cost of your grudge.

Hard feelings can make you feel very good (in one way). But the kick you get from them (like the high of using drugs) is not worth it. Grudges hurt the people they’re held against. They set an atrocious example for others (including your kids). They keep you from doing the good you’d do if you didn’t hold on to them, and—frankly—they put your soul in grave peril.

What happens to a person who stubbornly refuses to forgive others? It would be nice to say that it keeps him from earning some rewards in the Millennium. But, in fact, what it does is send him to hell! Not because I say so, but the Lord does,

Honestly, is your grudge so dear to you that you’d go to hell for it? Have you read Lord of the Rings? Or seen the movie? Think of Gollum and the ring he lost. It consumed him; it turned a decent river hobbit into a monster. Would you squat underground for 500 years saying,

But that is what a grudge is! And what hard feelings do you to. In this life, to some degree. And in the life to come, it will be worse.

Finally, think of your Savior. The best way to forgive others to remember that Jesus Christ forgives you. I cannot think of Him and hold on to my grudge. And neither can you.

Are bad attitudes tearing up your family? If they are, do something about it: but start with yourself. That’s the folly of most people. They want others to change, but not themselves. If only the kids would be more agreeable, then the father would get a good attitude. But that’s not how repentance works. It starts with you, not somebody else.

If your kids are driving you crazy, repent of your own impatience and then go to work on them. If your wife is cold and remote, start loving her and see if she’ll come around. If your husband is loud and mean, be sweet and submissive and maybe he’ll tone things down too.

When it comes to bad attitudes in the family, no one is innocent—not me, not you, not anybody—"All have sinned and come short of the glory of God".

If we’re guilty, let’s also be penitent. Let’s humble ourselves before the Lord, confess our sins to Him (and others, if need be), and start over in the strength and wisdom God will give to anyone who wants them.

God bless you everyone.