TEXT: Philippians 2:1-4

SUBJECT: Family Life #25: Good Manners

Today’s the fourth Sunday afternoon of the month and time for another sermon on Family Life. The subject has never been more important than it is today. It’s a lesson every parent should teach, every child should learn, and everybody should practice. The topic is Good Manners.

Fifty years ago, it was assumed that good manners were good. Not everyone had them, of course, but those who didn’t either admired or envied those who did.

But starting in the late fifties, good manners were equated with phoniness. The idea trickled down over time, and now, many people have forgotten their manners—and some have never learned them.

Before we decry the loss of good manners, we’ve got to be clear on what they are. I asked several people to tell me what good manners are, and they all answered in the same way: By giving examples.

Saying "please" and "Thank you" is good manners. Holding the door for a lady is good manners. And so on. These are all fine examples, but they don’t quite tell us what the thing is.

So let me take a whack at it. Good manners are nothing but everyday love.

That’s not super clear is it? Let me explain. Love-- according to the Bible--is putting others first.

Once-in-a-while, love will make a costly demand of you. You may have to get out of bed in the middle of the night to pick up a friend whose car broke down in Sacramento. Or, you may to spend every time you’ve got to get someone out of trouble. Or, who knows? Maybe you’ll have to die for another person. Jesus Christ said,

These are some rare and heavy demands love makes on the believer’s life. But let’s face it: Most days, we’re not called to do these things.

But every day, we’re are called to love by putting others first. One way we do that is with good manners.

Let me illustrate.

You come to the door at the same time as someone else. You can either barge in yourself or hold the door and say, "After you". We’d all agree that one is good manners and the other is bad manners. But why? Because, by holding the door, you’re putting others first. While, by pushing ahead, you’re putting yourself first.

The same is true about passing food at the table as opposed to grabbing things. Or interrupting people instead of speaking only after they’ve finished. Cutting people off in traffic instead of letting them go first. Turning the music down in your car so others who may not want to listen don’t have to. And so on.

I spent a lot of time thinking these things over and I couldn’t come up with any bad manner that was not an example of putting yourself first.

If good manners are nothing but "where the salad fork goes" or "sticking up your pinky while drinking tea", then they wouldn’t be very important. Your mistakes might offend a fussy person here and there, but they’d do no harm and wouldn’t displease God.

But good manners are more than customs or etiquette! They’re a fruit of love. And that means, good manners are very important. Our Lord said the Second Most Important Thing you’ll ever do is to,

Good manners are a way of doing this in the little things of life.

Good manners are not only good, they’re good for you and for everyone else. Let me suggest five benefits. They’re all obvious; you could add to the list without much thought.

In the first place, good manners make all life better. How many jobs are lost because of bad manners? I know a man who’s an excellent but cannot hold a job because he cannot hold his tongue! Marriages are wrecked but by bad manners. If you talk to pastors, you’ll find the number one complaint of wives is not infidelity or violence, but thoughtlessness. Friends are lost by bad manners. Churches are split by bad manners. Good manners make all life better. That’s one benefit.

In the second place, good manners reduce tension. Every day, we face people who disagree with us. If unchecked, the arguments can result in all kinds of bad things. So how do you check them? With good manners, for one thing—Proverbs 15:1.

In the third place, good manners encourage the same in others—Hebrews 10:24.

Most importantly, good manners improve your witness for Christ. The Gospel itself is offensive; we mustn’t change that to get a better hearing. But we mustn’t be offensive ourselves; if we are, we must change—

Good manners are a commandment of God. That makes them "More to be desired than gold, yea than much fine gold". And,

What’s the best place to learn your manners? Every place is good. I know a man who learned his in the Marine Corps. Before he went in, he was an obnoxious loud-mouth. But the Corps knocked it out of him. He came out a model of courtesy. I know a church that has a lot of young men who came from bad homes. Seeing the need, the pastor opened a Sunday afternoon charm school where they could learn good manners. Some people have learned their manners from books. Or at the home of friends. And other place too.

But the best place to teach and learn good manners is at home. There, it can be done slowly; in a context of love; and in a place where you can’t fool anyone.

This is how it should be. But, I’m afraid it often is not. Many homes are breeding grounds for bad manners. The salesman who treats his customers like gold treats his family like dirt! The woman who’s meek and quiet at church is a raving maniac at home! Kids who are kind to their friends are cruel to their brothers and sisters. This is very common.

Do you know why? Because we forget the rules that govern life outside the home also govern it inside the home! Here’s a quote from C.S. Lewis,

If the best place to learn good manners is the home, it means that, for kids, the time to learn is now. And for parents, the time to teach is now. "Now is the accepted time".

How can we teach our kids the good manners they need?

First of all, parents have to take the initiative. At one time, most adults were on the same page here. If a boy didn’t learn his manners at home, he might learn them at school—or even on television! That is no longer true.

Leave it to Beaver was a morality play. Every week, Beaver and Wally learned something from their mom and dad. Most TV programs today are immorality plays. Parents are seen as hypocrites or buffoons. Kids are drilled in the fine arts of talking back or standing up to or sneaking around their parents.

As for the public schools? I know some very fine Christians who teach in the system. But, on the whole, teachers are among the most radically anti-Christian groups in America.

Now more than ever, parents have to take the bull by the horns. If we don’t do it nobody else will!

In the second place, we have to teach good manners by example. If you want your son to treat women with respect, you show them how it’s done.

In the third place, turn bad examples into lessons—Proverbs 24:30-34. Be careful to not fall into self-righteousness (cf. I Corinthians 10:12). But when you seen some kids being rude, point it out to your kids and show them how ugly bad manners are.

In the fourth place, correct bad manners with good manners. If it’s rude to yell and scream, don’t yell and scream at your kids for yelling and screaming. I once heard a man tell his son, "Shut up saying Shut up!" You can correct, rebuke, and punish without being rude.

In the fifth place, notice and praise your kids when their manners are good. If God notices our good works and praises us from them, we can do the same for our kids.

In the sixth place, if possible, keep them away from kids who have bad manners, I Corinthians 15:33.

Finally, if you want your kids to have good manners, pray for them—Psalm 127:1.