TEXT: Ephesians 5:23, 6:4

SUBJECT: Family Life #24: Authority at Home

This is the fourth Sunday of the month and time for another sermon on Family Life. Today’s topic is Authority at Home. In the study, I want to explore six important questions. They are: (1) What is authority? (2) Who has it in the home? (3) What is required for it’s proper use? (4) How is it lost? (5) How is it regained? And (6) What are some dangers to avoid?

If I were speaking to a secular audience, I’d spend most of my time on the first two questions. I would pound away on the meaning of authority, where it comes from, and who has it in the home. Most unsaved people are as wrong as they can be on these matters.

But I’m preaching to a church. And I assume you’re pretty well grounded on these basic issues. Maybe not in practice, of course, but at least in theory. We’ll go through the first two questions very briefly and spend most of our time on the other four.

Authority is the God-given responsibility to rule. Every word needs to be underlined.

• Because it is God-given, the man wielding it is not a bully, not a tyrant, and not a male chauvinist.

• Because it is a responsibility, he’s accountable for what he does with it.

• Because it is a rule, it is not just a title. It’s a job.

If authority is the God-given responsibility to rule, then to find out who has it in the home all you have to do is ask: Whom does God tell to rule?

God never tells children to rule their parents, but to "honor and obey them". That means we parents have to stand up to our kids and the culture that supports them. Children are not called or equipped to rule the family. You do them a grave disservice if you let them do it.

God never tells a wife to rule her husband. The Bible says—and everywhere assumes that "the husband is the head of the wife". Never the other way around. Even when the woman is superior to him in wisdom and godliness. Abigail was a far better person than her husband, Nabal, yet the Lord never told her to go home and "put him in his place". Peter goes farther, commanding Christian women to quietly submit to their unsaved husbands. Brothers, letting—or making—our wives rule the family is not an act of humility or love. It’s more like cowardice or cruelty.

Our verses teach that the husband is to rule the family. Not to terrorize the family, abuse them or exploit them for selfish ends, but to rule them as Jesus Christ rules the Church.

Men, don’t apologize for being in charge of your family. Don’t feel ashamed of yourselves. If people on the other side "glory in their shame", we can glory in doing the right thing at home. It’s not self-serving to rule the family; it’s serving. In the long run, your wife and kids will thank you for it.

What makes a man a man—and not a brute, a hypocrite, or a sissy-boy?

A lot can be said here. Minor things, like the way you dress, your tone of voice, body language, and how much you joke, will add to or take away from your authority.

But these things don’t make or break your authority. Real and lasting authority depends on two things: integrity and guts.

If you don’t practice what you preach, you will not have authority in the home. Your wife may obey you out of fear; the kids may "go along to get along", but you won’t have their respect. And without that, you have no authority.

If you tell your wife to cook and clean, you keep the lawns mowed and the cars running. If you tell your kids to respect their mother, you respect your wife.

Nothing builds authority more than character. Nothing undermines it more than hypocrisy. If you want to have authority in the home, be a good man.

The second thing you must have is guts. A coward may be liked, loved, or pitied; he cannot be respected. A lot of men lose their authority—not by being bad guys—but by wimping out again and again and again.

By courage, I don’t mean fighting in wars or shooting burglars, or brawling in bars. No, I mean the everyday challenges you face, like:

1. Making hard decisions.
2. Living with your decisions without whining or blaming other people.
3. Firmly standing up to your wife.
4. Disciplining your children and following through on the threats you made to them.
5. Not boot licking your boss, pastor, or others who can promote you in some way.
6. Sticking with your job even when it’s hard.
7. In short, it’s doing your duty when you’d rather not.

If authority requires character and courage, then obviously, a lack of these things will undercut it. But here, let me add a few other things.

Confusion loses authority. As long as you’re not sure God has put you in charge, you won’t be in charge. Or, as long as you equate wimpiness with humility, you won’t call the shots. Start here: God commands the husband and father to rule his family.

Laziness undermines authority. It’s much easier to let others do your work for you. To let your wife make all the decisions; to let your kids rear themselves. If you do that, you’ll lose your authority.

Overwork reduces authority. This is a ticklish one because a man ought to work hard and that takes a lot of time. But if it takes too much time—if it leaves your wife and kids without your leadership, they’ll get used to it. And won’t take it anymore. Put family time before a bigger house, a newer car, or shinier gadgets.

Indecision erodes authority. If you’re changing your mind every five minutes no one will take you seriously.

The solution to every spiritual problem starts with God. If you’ve lost your authority in the home, confess your faults to the Lord, find out what He wants you to change, pray about it, and do it, Proverbs 28:13.

What about your family?

If your wife disrespects you, it’s probably better not to confess your sins to her. Especially if you’ve done it before without changing your ways. That’s likely to make her more cynical ("here we go again"). Or worse.

If, on the other hand, your wife is sympathetic, then confess your faults to her, ask her to forgive you, and to help you—but not prod you—into being the leader God wants you to be.

As for your kids? I think it’s better to start leading them without telling them what a rotten father you’ve been and how, from now on, you’re going to be a new man, etc. In short, let your actions do the talking for you.

Also you can find men who have authority over their families. Watch what they do, ask for their advice, and follow them. Do not follow them blindly! What works for them may not work for you. But, still, you can learn from them.

One more thing: Don’t give up hope. If you’ve messed up for years, it’s easy to give way to despair. Don’t! Despair is atheism! Memorize Matthew 19:26a and Philippians 4:13.

I hope I’ve encouraged you to take the authority God has given you and put it to loving use in your family. Do it. But, in doing it, be careful to not fall into the opposite sin.

Don’t bully your family.

Don’t micromanage your family.

Don’t ignore your wife’s wisdom.

Don’t disregard the feelings of your children.

Don’t see "authority" as the magic pill to make your wife and kids perfect. It isn’t.

Brothers, it has never been easy for men to rule their families. But, at one time, we had a lot of help. When I was a boy, it was assumed that men were in charge at home.

But that’s no longer true. We cannot trust the culture to support us any more, the schools, the police—not even the Church is fully reliable. But that’s all right. God has not changed. As we lead our families under His Lordship, God will bless us. When we don’t know what to do, He’ll give wisdom. When we know what to do, but don’t have the guts to do it, He’ll give courage. In short,

Trust and obey.

The love of God be with you. For Christ’s sake. Amen.