TEXT: Proverbs 19:14

SUBJECT: Family Life #21: The Mating Ritual

Today, with God’s blessing, we’ll continue our monthly study of Family Life. Last time I spoke on the sensitive issue of home ownership. For many people, buying a home is a good use of God’s money. But for others, it is idolatry. If you sacrifice your marriage and kids and church and devotion to God for the sake of a house, it has become a rival to God and a threat to your soul. Like the Brazen Serpent it can be a great blessing. But when it’s worshiped and served, it’s time to break the Image in pieces. It’s better to go to heaven renting an apartment than own a mansion and go to hell.

Today’s topic may be even touchier. It’s for everyone, I hope, but especially for parents and older children. The subject is Dating and Courtship. Though neither word appears in the Bible, we can evaluate both in light of God’s Word. And find a good way to either choose a mate or to help our kids do it. That’s the topic. May God give us grace to understand it. For Christ’s sake. Amen.

Let’s begin by explaining the terms. Or what we mean by "dating" and "courtship".

Dating.

An old preacher once said, "Never define a word people understand". I think he was right. You know what a date is. A young man meets a girl at school, maybe. They start talking and enjoy each other’s company...

Soon he asks her out for dinner or a movie. They go out and that’s the date. If they do it regularly, then we say they’re a couple.

Courtship.

Courtship, on the other hand, is a little more complicated. In courtship, the whole family is involved. (Or, maybe both families). Rather than asking the girl out directly, the boy talks to her father. He asks him if he can spend some time with the family getting to know his daughter better. The father agrees and after some months, maybe, everyone begins to feel the boy and girl are candidates for marriage. It may be many years in the future, but they’re a couple.

The big difference between dating and courtship is the amount of time the couple spends alone. Dating maximizes the time alone; courtship minimizes it.

Which is God’s way of finding a spouse? Is it dating or courtship?

Before I answer that, I’ve got to define my terms again. By "God’s way" I don’t mean which way He has blessed and which way He has cursed. In fact, both dating and courtship have resulted in wonderful marriages and in terrible ones too.

I know a man and woman who lived together for ten years before getting married. Now they’re one of the happiest couples I know. That doesn’t make pre-marital sex right. I know another couple who never so much as kissed until their wedding. They’re one of the unhappiest couples I know. That doesn’t make chastity wrong…

Dating has been a blessing to some and a curse to others; so has courtship. We don’t find God’s way by looking at short-term results.

We find God’s way in the Bible. What does the Word of God say about courtship and dating?

I have never heard anyone say, "God commands us to date. If you find a spouse in any other way, you’re sinning". Of course no one says that; "dating" is not in the Bible.

But what about "courtship"? Several years ago, we had a pastor speak at our Family Camp. For five sermons—I think—he taught courtship as the godly way to find a mate. Not as one option—even a better option, but as God’s Way. Books have been written to the same effect. Jim West wrote one called, Christian Courtship versus the Dating game. Doug Wilson published Her Hand in Marriage. The best-known book of that kind is by Josh Harris, called I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

I’m very sympathetic to this view. But no verse in the Bible commands it. Nor is there a binding example of it. In fact, if you really want to know "the Bible way" of finding a mate, it is the arranged marriage. That is the pattern followed in the Old Testament and assumed in I Corinthians 7.

Holy men of old arranged the marriage of their children. But that doesn’t mean we have to. For sin is not going against the example of Abraham or David. "Sin is transgression of the Law" (I John 3:4).

The Bible neither commands nor forbids dating or courtship. That means, when it comes to finding a spouse, you have liberty. It is not the liberty to sin, but the liberty to date or to court under the Lordship of Christ.

That’s the theory. Now let’s come to some practical advice. First to parents. How do you help your children to avoid the pollutions of the world and to choose a mate wisely?

Start by setting an example. Fathers, if you want your daughter to marry a good man, show her what a good man is—by being one yourself. Mothers, do you want your son to marry a virtuous woman? If you do, show him what to look for—in yourself. A good example is worth more than a million Bible studies!

In your Bible studies, point out the features of a good husband or wife. If you don't tell them what to look for, someone else will. Don’t wait until they’re nineteen years old to do this. Start early. The Book of Proverbs is especially valuable here.

Most boys are attracted to good-looking girls. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being beautiful, of course. It’s a gift of God. But there’s more to it than a pretty face and good figure. Proverbs 11:22 says,

If you see your son gawking at pretty girls, just remind him: When the gold earring falls off he’ll have nothing left but the pig’s nose!

Don’t be unreasonable in your criticism of boyfriends or girlfriends. To expect a seventeen year old boy to have the maturity of a fifty year old man is unreasonable. To expect a college freshman to be the Virtuous Woman of Proverbs 30 is unreasonable. Overly critical parents provoke and discourage their children.

Don’t coerce your son into a marriage he doesn’t want. Your idea of "the perfect girl" may be quite different than his. By all means advise him, but he has to make the choice. Respect his freedom under Christ.

Don’t compound one sin with another. I know a couple who was terrified about their daughter committing fornication. To prevent it, they pretty much forced her into marriage—way too young, in my opinion. Fornication is bad. But so is marriage without love, respect, and compatibility.

Now let’s move on to advice for the young people. Maybe you’re dating right now. Or courting. Or wishing you were.

First, listen to your parents. Even if they’re wrong, they’re worth listening to. That’s part of "Honoring your father and mother".

Second, give your parents the benefit of the doubt. They’re not trying to ruin your life. They probably know more than you do and they certainly want what’s best for you. "Love thinks no evil". That means it is not suspicious. Even if you don’t agree with their assessment, assume they’re acting in love.

Third, if your parents have a Biblical Reason for you not to get involved with someone, obey them (whether you want to or not!). Disobeying them when they’re speaking the Word of God is disobeying God. If you’re a Christian and your boyfriend is not, it’s not your parents who are against the relationship, but God (cf. I Corinthians 7:39).

Finally, a word to everyone. Those of us who grew up in the sixties and the seventies grew up in a bad world. Our kids are growing up in one a whole lot worse. The least we can do for them—your kids, my kids, all kids—is to pray for them.

Pray they won’t commit fornication. Pray they won’t stagger from one bad relationship to another. Pray they’ll find a good husband or wife. Pray God will bless them in all they do. In short, "Pray without ceasing".