TEXT: Ephesians 4:29

SUBJECT: Family Life #17: Communication in Marriage

Today, with the Lord's blessing, we'll continue our study of Family Life. From the verse I just read, you've probably guessed the subject: It's communication in the family--especially between husband and wife.

It's sad to think how many Christian couples have poor communication in the home. Some have none at all; others have it--but it's of the worst quality.

I think we all agree that kind and honest communication is vital for living well in the home. But knowing it and doing it are two different things. It's easy to blame your husband for clamming up or your wife for nagging you all the time. It's easy--but not productive. You cannot change your spouse. But, by God's grace, you can change yourself. That's the context for our verse. Godly conversation is but one part of "Putting off the old man and putting on the new".

This is something the Lord wants you to do. It's a command--not a suggestion. And the command is in the present tense, meaning you ought to keep on doing it. Not "try five times and then give up". But keep on trying till Jesus comes.

Communication in marriage.

WHAT IS COMMUNICATION?

It is more than just talking. In his book To Understand Each Other, the late Paul Tournier, makes a very sharp observation,

Couples may talk day and night without ever communicating with each other.

The best way to understand "communication" is to look at it's root. Where does the word come from? It comes from "communion" or "fellowship". Which means a shared life.

Communication, therefore, may be defined as "sharing each other's life".

It involves talking and listening. And doing both with love, respect, and sympathy.

DOES THE LORD WANT COUPLES TO COMMUNICATE?

Of course He does. We know this from the Mystery of Marriage. Paul explains it in Ephesians 5. There he says Marriage is a symbol for Something Else. What is it? The Union between Christ and His Church.

There is a fellowship between the Lord and His People. It is maintained and improved by communication.

Jesus Christ speaks to His Church through the Bible. We speak to our Savior through prayer. If the Lord took away His Word or we quit praying, what would happen? We would lose our fellowship.

The same thing happens to couples who quit talking and listening to each other. They drift apart; their marriage (though formally intact) is no more. Of course the Lord wants us to communicate.

Another proof lies in the purpose of marriage. What is marriage for? It serves many useful functions. But what it's for is revealed in Genesis 2:18,

Marriage is for communication! Lose that and it becomes something else--something less than it is intended to be.

WHAT HINDERS COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE?

Adultery does for sure. Whatever the advocates of "free love" say, it is impossible to be "one flesh" with more than one person. If you're cheating on your wife, you have connected with someone else. And that means you have lost connection with your wife. And no matter how nice you are to her, how charming, how talkative, you are not communicating with her.

Adultery is one of the worst sins. It does damage that often cannot be repaired in this life. If unrepented of, it will surely consign the sinner to hell.

But adultery--though terrible--is not unpardonable. If you confess it to the Lord and forsake it you will have mercy. God promises that in Proverbs 28:13 and other places too.

And remember: there is an adultery of the mind that never becomes physical. Yet it too will make communication hard in the home. If you're fantasizing about some woman or wishing you were married to some other man, you're losing touch with your husband or wife. You're not communicating.

If adultery is the worst hindrance to communication, then neglect is the most common.

Citizen Kane may be the greatest movie ever made. There's a scene in it that is very fascinating. It starts with Mr. and Mrs. Kane sitting at the breakfast table all "lovey-dovey"; it then pans forward to them sitting at the same table, but a little farther apart and now "friendly"; then it has them sitting on the opposite ends of the table, "polite" but that's all. Finally, it has them reading the newspaper at the table--and not saying a word to each other.

Charles Foster Kane and his wife drifted apart over the years. How did that happen?

Neglect. To quote Paul Tournier again,

But as life got more and more hectic, they found less and less time to talk. The less they talked, the less they had in common. The less they had in common, the less they talked. On and on it goes. Simple neglect.

Proverbs 24:30ff provide an interesting parallel. The subject is not talking, but farming.

What did the farmer do wrong? Nothing; absolutely nothing! But he also did nothing right. And his neglect turned a rich farm into a patch of weeds.

If you keep on neglecting your husband or wife, it won't be long till your marriage is no better. Nothing justifies neglecting your spouse--not work, not school, not taking the kids to piano lessons, not church. Nothing. If you're too busy to spend some time with your husband or wife, change your priorities.

Another big problem is Little Things Not Apologized for--and Not Forgotten.

Husbands are often thoughtless. They're not mean or hateful; they just don't think. They contradict their wives in public; they don't call when they're late; they leave the toilet seat up. These aren't big things--but they add up over the years!

Wives should be patient, of course. But husbands shouldn't try their patience all the time! It's not hard to find out what bothers your wife; she's probably told you a million times. If only you'd listen!

Wives are often a little too careful about keeping track of their husbands' faults. Jay Adams tells a good story about this. A couple came to him seeking counsel. The wife began by telling him what a thoughtless man her husband had been.

The woman took out a file an inch thick, typed, and single-spaced containing all his faults for the last 13 years!

She was extreme, of course. But a lot of wives do that. I've talked to some of them.

If you do that--husband or wife--I'd like to know: Would you like God to do that to you? Psalm 130:3.

A fourth problem is Over-sensitivity or Defensiveness.

Some people take every little criticism as a personal insult. They scream; they sulk; they become "quiet". In every event, they make communication impossible.

If your wife says you need to lose a few pounds, how do you respond? If your husband tells you to keep the house a little cleaner, what do you say? Do you blow up? Do you pout? Do you point out his/her faults which are much worse? Or, do you take criticism with a little humility and grace?

If your husband or wife has to "walk on egg shells around you", you're hindering communication in the home.

One last problem: Talking too much!

Nothing hinders communication more than...too much of it! If your radio is on 24 hours a day, you don't hear it. If you talk non-stop, you spouse doesn't hear you either. There's a Proverb to this effect, 25:16,

HOW DO YOU START COMMUNICATING?

If the Lord wants you to communicate with your husband or wife, and if you don't, you need to do something about it. Today.

The place to start is self-examination. I know your spouse is mostly to blame, but what can you do to make things better? You're not perfect, are you? If you're not confess your sins and improve where you need to improve.

After you examine yourself, Do the little things. Like what? Like these:

Thirdly, Pray for yourself and your spouse--in that order!

Lastly, Try to remember how good it once was between you and go back and do the things you used to do. I don't mean dating, of course. But talking about the things you used to talk about and listening with the same interest you used to have.

This is how backsliders get back to their Lord--Revelation 2:5. And couples get back their "first love".

WHAT ARE THE BLESSINGS OF COMMUNICATION?

The blessings of communication are many, wonderful, and obvious. I'll quickly cite three:

It will make you happy. In a state of Paradise, Adam was still missing something. He needed a wife and the fellowship only she could give him. She made the happy man even happier. Your husband or wife can do that for you. But only if you communicate.

It will make you holy. Your spouse knows you like nobody else does. This means, he or she can help you in a way no one else can. But only if you communicate.

It will make you a good witness. Marriage portrays the fellowship between Christ and His Church. Your marriage does that--either well or badly. Now, do you want sinners to think Christ ignores His Church? Of course you don't; you want them to know "the love of Christ that passes understanding". Then why don't you show it to them. By your marriage. You can do that. But only if you communicate.

CLOSE AND APPEAL

Brothers and sisters, it's time to "Be doers of the Word and not hearers only". Some of you need to go home today and apologize. Just do it. All of us need to grow in the grace of communication. God bring it to pass, for Christ's sake. Amen.