TEXT: Colossians 3:18-19

SUBJECT: Colossians #10: Marriage

Today, we come to the tenth sermon in our study of Colossians. The book's theme, you should know by now, is Christ is Enough.

In the first two chapters, Paul proves and defends that doctrine; in chapters three and four, he applies it to our daily lives.

In vv.1-17, we have a panoramic view of what a Christ-centered life looks like. It's not given to fornication, but to love; not to malice but to forgiveness; not to blasphemy but to praise. In short, it's not lived for yourself, but for Christ--

That's the big picture. But now we have the close-ups. If a photographer backs up far enough, I look pretty good. The closer he gets, though, the worse I look. In vv.18ff., Paul zooms in on the Christ-centered life at home and work.

THE WIVES

He begins with the wife. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord".

The word, "wives" is unqualified. It says nothing about the kind of man to whom she's married. It doesn't say, "Wives, if you husbands are loving..." Or "Wives, assuming your husbands are smarter than you are..." Or "Wives, as long as your husbands are saved...". It simply says "wives".

As far as I can see, the only qualification we have is that the wife is "in the Lord". In other words, she's a Christian. This means, if you're a believing wife, God is speaking to you!

What does He want you to do? He wants you to "submit". A better way of putting it: God wants you to "Be submissive". Thus, it's not an occasional act of obedience He wants, but a state of mind. The Lord wants you to be agreeable to your husband; to defer whenever possible.

The grammar is worth noting here. The word is in the present tense, meaning "Keep on being submissive". And in the middle voice, suggesting, Keep on submitting yourselves", i.e., don't submit reluctantly or out of fear, but from the heart.

Why should you submit to your husband? Because "...it is fitting in the Lord".

Most sermons I've hear emphasize the word "fitting". They say "A wife ought to submit to her husband because it's the right thing to do".

That is true, of course. It is "fitting" or proper. But that's not what Paul is getting at, it seems to me. No, he stresses the words "in the Lord". That, somehow or another, being "in the Lord" will motivate a wife to submit to her husband.

How? Think about it. An unsaved wife wants to dominate the family for the (supposed) power and prestige that comes with it. She needs these things. Why? Because she's got nothing else. But the saved woman has...Christ! "The LORD is [her] portion". And having Him satisfies her.

She can say to her husband what Esau said to his brother, "I have enough...Keep what you have for yourself".

The key to contentment is NOT "counting your blessings"; it's NOT "thinking it could be worse". It is having Christ, cf. Hebrews 13:5.

Now, two brief applications and quick sidebar.

Dear Sister, what kind of wife are you? No one's perfect; the best wife may disobey her husband or do what he says with a bad attitude, I know that. But, in general, are you agreeable or hard-to-get-along-with? Do you normally just do what he says or must you always argue or grumble or counter-propose, and so on? Why don't you take God's way? Why don't you "Submit to your own husband as is fitting in the Lord?"

Don't you get it? You don't have to fuss and fight and get your way all the time. You have Jesus Christ! That means--without bossing your husband around or sneaking behind his back--you have it all!

Dear Brother, what kind of husband are you to submit to? Nobody likes to obey a big ugly bear! Including your wife. Why make it hard on her? The Feminists say men are evil, oppressive, and so on. And your actions prove they're right! Why not disprove the lie by exercising your authority with grace, humility, and respect?

Sidebar: Paul does not command every wife to submit to every husband. But only her to "own husband". I have no right to tell your wife what to do; you have no authority over my wife. Some men don't know this, it seems.

Years ago, we had a man here who felt called to tell every woman and girl how to dress. That hemline is too high; that neckline is too low; that skirt is too tight; those heels are too high; and so on. He had every right to say these things to his wife, but not to anybody else's. He read our verse like this, it seems: "Wives, submit to...every husband". But that's not what it says. It says "To their own husbands".

Brothers, be content! You have enough to do ruling your own wife; you don't need to rule mine too!

THE HUSBANDS

Verse 19 brings us to the husband. "Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them".

Like the word "wives" in the verse before, "husbands" is unqualified. It is not "Husbands, love your wives as long as they're submissive" or "Husbands, love your wives if they're everything you hoped for". Or anything like that.

It is a universal duty: If you're a husband, God wants you to love your wife--just as she is.

What is "love"? In general, it is that state of mind described in I Corinthians 13. It is patient and kind; not envious, proud, or rude; not easily provoked or suspicious; and in short, it bears, believes, hopes, and endures all things".

Apply each one of these to your wife and you've got the general idea of how to love her. If everything she does irritates you--you're not loving her. If you talk to her in a crude or offensive way--you're not loving her. And so on.

Your wife needs this general love. But she needs more than that. She needs her own special kind of loving!

Maybe she needs a lot of public affection. She wants you sitting right next to her all the time, holding hands, whispering sweet nothings in her ear, and so on. If you're wife wants that, give it to her!

Or maybe she's like my dear bride. She need her space--two feet in every direction! That means, if I'm cuddling up to her, petting her hand, and so on, I'm not loving her! Everyone may think I am--"How lovey-dovey he is" they say. But I know better.

If you want to find out how to love your wife--not women in general--but your woman, ask her! And then, pay attention. If it makes her run out of the room screaming, don't do it any more!

Every husband is to love his wife. That's what he's to do.

But then we find out what he's not to do: "And do not be bitter toward her".

You know what bitterness is. It's a cocktail of hate, contempt, wounded pride, and other bad things.

Paul chose the word carefully. In his day, men often resented their wives. And they still do. If you don't believe me, listen in on almost any conversation between married men--especially in a group. One man tells a horror story about his wife and another tries to top him! "You think you've got it bad, listen to this..."

Henny Youngman spoke for millions of men..."Take my wife...please!"

At home, this bitterness comes out in sullenness, self-pity, ugly looks, sarcastic words, and a million other ways.

The man is responsible for his bitterness. Paul doesn't say, "Wives, quit embittering your husbands", but "Husbands...do not be bitter toward them".

How does a man turn from his bitterness to a more loving way of life?

Negatively--he does not hash it all out with his wife! Counselors will say otherwise, "Get it off your chest, open up, be totally honest". In other words, list every wrong your wife has done you since you've been married.

Are these people married? Or out of their minds? That won't bring peace, but thermo-nuclear war! The Bible is very clear on this:

Hashing it out with your wife won't cure bitterness. Only one thing will do that: forgiveness.

To help you forgive her, let me remind you of something you know very well--but are prone to forget: You're forgiven.

God has forgiven you. That's what it says a few verses before. And in many other places. You pray for forgiveness, don't you? If so, why don't you give some?

God has every right to be bitter toward you! You've wronged Him far more often than your wife has wronged you. And in ways much worse.

My wife has never committed adultery. But how many times have I strayed from the Lord? How often have I loved other gods--myself, money, pleasure, and more?

Yet when I come to Him--for the millionth time--He says, "Son, your sins are forgiven you".

Can husbands receive this kind of forgiveness and remain "bitter toward their wives"?

No way.

Two applications:

Brothers, do you love your wives? I know you did way back when. But what about now? Now that she's not as young as she once was or half as much fun, either? Do you still love her?

Is your love for her growing? When couples start fighting, they say, "The honeymoon's over". The honeymoon shouldn't be the high-point of your marriage, but the starting point!

What Christ wants for the Church, He also wants for your marriage,

This is possible, even for men as lame as you are. With my wife sitting here to correct me, I can say I love her much more now than I did fifteen years ago. There's nothing wonderful in me; it's in her. Jesus Christ gave me the vision to see it.

He'll do the same for you. "Husbands, love your wives". Don't be satisfied with tolerating her or getting used to her. Love her.

Sisters, are you making it easy for your husbands to love you--or hard? It's not easy to love a woman who despises you. Or fights you. Or spends all your money. Or ignores you. Or nags you. Or never gives you any rest.

Maybe you want your husband to be more "Biblical" than he is. But do you have to make him into another "Hosea"? A man called to love an impossible woman!

This isn't right. Help your husband to love you. By submitting yourself to him in love.

Is Christ enough for you? You say He is. But "The proof of the pudding is in the eating". And the proof that "Christ is enough is in the obeying". If you submit to your husband or love your wife, that tells me "Christ is enough" for you. God make it so, for you and me both. For Christ's sake. Amen.