TEXT: James 1:26

SUBJECT: Bridled Tongue #3: Kindness

Today, with God’s help, we’ll continue our study of The Bridled Tongue. What’s a bridle? It’s the thing that controls a horse. It brings a big, powerful, and dangerous animal under control. The tongue—James says—is not big, but it is powerful and very dangerous. Unless it is bridled.

That’s what we ought to do. When it comes to what we say, how we say it, and when, we have to practice self-control. Why? Because if we don’t, our

We fancy ourselves religious people; others think we are too. But the Lord doesn’t. If we don’t bridle our tongues. The issue is that important. And the need for change is that urgent. I pray God will impress these things upon us. For Christ’s sake. Amen.

Last time, we looked at the first rule of speech. Before I say a word, I have to ask, Is it true? If it isn’t true, I must not say it—even if it makes someone feel good or gets me off the hook. Our Lord said, "Let your yes by yes and your no be no. For anything more than this is of the evil one". In other words, Satan is behind every lie we tell. Including the ones we have polite words for. The first rule of speaking, then, is Truth.

But it’s not the only rule. There are many true things that shouldn’t be said, or at least not now, in those words, or with that tone of voice.

Have you ever heard someone defend his bad words by saying, "Well, they were true, weren’t they?" Maybe they were. But who ever said "truth is everything"? It’s something. But it’s not everything.

The second rule for speech is Kindness. What you said is true, but is it kind?

That’s the topic for today: Bridling your tongue for kindness.

Let’s start off with the duty. Does the Lord want your words to be kind? Of course He does. The Bible says so.

Positively, it commands us to,

It also commands us to not speak in an unkind way,

Its most beautiful woman is known for her kind way with words,

Some of its ugliest men were famous for their cruel and hateful words. Think of the sneering Nabal and of Judas Iscariot, about whom the Psalm says,

Is there any exception to the rule? Maybe there is. Elisha cursed the wicked children without fault; some of the Psalms wish the most violent deaths on people. There is a righteous indignation. Our Lord felt it, at times, and said some hard things about people.

But let’s face it: 99% of our hard words are not the result of righteous indignation. We're not standing up for God, but voicing our petty frustrations.

When the floods come, some men reach for the fire extinguisher. It’s better to reach for the bucket! In the same way, for fear of wimping out when they ought to speak roughly, some people justify being old cranky sore heads!

But God won’t have that. His general rule is summed up the Proverb,

The Lord wants you to speak kindly. To say kind words in a kind way.

What is "kindness"? Dictionaries will give you a variety of answers. But dictionaries are terribly overrated—including Bible dictionaries and Greek lexicons! Words are only understood in context. And often by contrast.

The key verse (to me) on kindness is Ephesians 4:32. It says,

From the verse, we get the idea that kind words are the sort that are loving and eager to forgive the wrongs that others have done to you. It’s right to rebuke children, but should we do it in a way that implies we don’t love them, or—if they don’t change—they’re not our kids any more?

Surely there’s a difference between reproving our kids and reaming them out? Between humbling them and humiliating them? Between telling them what they did was no good and telling them they’re no good?

Just before Ephesians 4:32, we have v.31. It sets up a contrast between "kindness" and other things. They are,

"Clamor" means "yelling"; "evil speaking" probably stands for "gossip". "Malice" is "the desire to hurt others". You know what "bitterness, wrath, and anger" are. These are the attitudes and actions that are not compatible with kindness.

If you’re bitter, your words are not kind. If you’re screaming all the time, you’re not speaking kindly. If you hope to hurt people—even with a clever put-down (maybe even with one they’re too stupid to get), you’re not kind.

Longsuffering is the negative side of love—it doesn’t lash out. Kindness is the positive side—it does good to others, even when they don’t deserve it.

Who should you be kind to? The short answer is: Everyone. Why? Because God commands you to and, also because God Himself is kind to everyone.

Over against the narrow view that one ought to love his friends only, our Lord said,

What reason does He give? He doesn’t say because they deserve it, but,

God’s kindness is undiscriminating! It overflows to everyone. Judas Iscariot felt the warmth of His sun as much as Simon Peter did. You be good to everyone. That’s the idea.

But having said this, let me add: Everyone includes your family! It’s easier to be kind to strangers than it is to your family. Do you know why? Because you’re only around strangers for a few second or minutes a day. But your family? They’re under foot day and night!

A woman once told me, "My husband is great to everyone-- except me and the kids!" Out of the home, he’s polite, charming, very generous. But in the home, he’s rude, selfish, and mean. She spoke for millions!

If you want to know if you’re kind or not, listen to yourself at home. Or, in a humble, non-threatening way, ask your husband or wife; or your parents; or your brothers and sisters. You’re never more yourself than when you’re at home.

Unkind words hurt your family. Over time, they grow calloused to them, of course. But that makes things worse, not better.

How do you become kind? Or kinder?

It starts with honesty, Proverbs 28:13. There’s always a reason for not being kind. You’ve got a bad headache or you didn’t sleep well or you’re under pressure at work or you’ve been cooped up with the kids all day or your little brother is a brat.

But as long as you’re blaming others for your sin, you’ll never change for the better. In fact, aggravating things are brought into your life to make you kind. "Tribulation produces character"—including kindness.

Until you come clean, you’ll never be clean.

Once you admit the problem, you’ve got to do something about it. Where do you start? Most preachers say, with the heart. Until you purify the heart—they say—you’ll never clean up your speech. There’s some truth in what they say, but I think it’s better to start with your words!

Here’s why: Unkind words are much easier to identify than unkind thoughts. And it’s way easier to shut your mouth than to purify your heart!

Children are not taught to know God in order to read the Bible. They’re taught to read the Bible in order to know God. Start with the physical and work your way up to the more spiritual. If you’re always saying mean and hateful or sarcastic things, just learn to shut your mouth.

Thirdly, work kindness into your heart. How do you do that? In the most predictable, boring way you can think of: By reading the Bible and praying. Maybe we "have not because we ask not". And maybe we haven’t "cleansed our ways" because we have "taken heed unto God’s Word". If your Bible reading has tailed off lately or if you haven’t been praying much, it’s no wonder your words are so harsh, impatient, and proud.

Most of all, if you want to be kind, study the character of God, especially as it is revealed in Jesus Christ.

The Old Testament is a study of human sin and Divine kindness. When Adam and Eve fell, God might have struck them dead on the spot, but He didn’t. He gave them 950 years of warm days, cool nights, green grass, and tasty food. Why? Because He is kind.

When Israel was in the Wilderness, they griped every day, worshiped their idols, and forgot their God. But He didn’t forget them. Manna kept falling, the rocks kept gushing, the fiery pillar kept leading. Why? Because He is kind.

The Judges? Full of idolatry and shallow repentance. Yet God keeps sending saviors to His people and getting them out of the trouble they’d gotten themselves into. Why? Because He is kind.

He gave them great kings and bold prophets. When they turned from Him, He sent them into exile, but even there He remembered them and brought them home. Why? Because He is kind.

What’s seen so clearly in the Old Testament gets a "human face" in the New Testament. Who is kinder than Jesus Christ? He was kind to the men who didn’t trust Him; He was kind to the men who hated and crucified Him.

His kindness was seen mostly by what He did—and didn’t do. But not only in His actions, but also in His words. To isolate the kindest thing He ever said is impossible, but here’s my guess. When Judas led the mob into the Garden, Jesus Christ greeted him with the word, "Friend".

Was a man ever more wicked than Judas? Yet the Lord was kind to him. Why? Because He is kind.

Brothers and sisters,

If we want our religion to be real, we have to "bridle our tongues". Not talk about bridling them, preach on bridling them or read books on bridling them. We’ve got to do it!

By ourselves, we can’t do it. "No man can tame the tongue" said James. But that’s the point: We’re not by ourselves. Jesus Christ is with us. His body is in heaven praying for us; His Spirit is inside us sanctifying us. That means we can do it! Philippians 4:13.

No one is perfect in this life, but that’s not the goal. The goal is growth in grace. When it comes to unkind words, we all have a long ways to go. So why not start now?

The love of God be with you all. Amen.